Our Son

James Frederick Thoelke
17 September 1996 - 24 April 2023

 Our precious son took his life in the early hours Monday. He had struggled for many years with deep feelings of worthlessness, and alcohol, a dangerous combination. The demons who tormented him wore him down to where he couldn't take anymore.

He leaves a huge hole in our hearts and will be missed until we all graduate from this mortal boarding school and meet again. My mother was with us, by my bedside, when James was born, I think she held him first. His was the only one of our children's baptisms that my parents were able to attend. I hope they were the first to greet him on the other side.

I'm so grateful for the bedrock of my faith in Jesus Christ and can say, like Job of old, "I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God." (Job 19:25-26)

We have set up a GoFundMe page for any who want to make a donation to help with funeral expenses and to settle his affairs.

In my blog posts James was Dr. Hair and Mr. Movie. He was such a loving and generous son. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Sunday's Spiritual Thought

He lives!

And this is how I feel about it:

I know He lives! My gratitude for Him and His Atoning Sacrifice knows so bounds. It truly is a Happy Easter!

Sunday's Spiritual Thought

The world's greatest Valentine -

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.               John 3:16

Roses from my daughter Noble

Yesterday when we "juiced" we discovered this beautiful green heart! It's our funny Valentine.

Christmas A to Z: REDEEMER

He began as we all do, a tiny baby.

Through His Atoning Sacrifice in the Garden of Gethsemane,
and on the Cross at Golgotha He redeems us from sin and death.

 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophesies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.                                       2 Nephi 25:26

He will come again as Lord of Lord and King of Kings, Our Redeemer!

Christmas A to Z: GIFT

He is the Gift!

Simplicity

Plenty of blogs and websites extol the virtues of the simple life on a homestead, providing your own food and being self-sufficient in many ways. While I applaud their efforts I beg to differ that their life is anything approaching simple.

I've read enough domestic history, journals and memoirs of pioneers and nineteenth century homesteaders (even some early twentieth century) to know that life on the farm is anything but simple. It is hard work and long hours each day and everyday, all year long. The work is complex and interrelated and ongoing. I like to think I could have been a good pioneer or homesteader but I'm sure glad I don't have to be one now.

I thoroughly understand the hunger for a simpler life. Time seems to rush; days go by quickly, years flash by, and we still haven't accomplished what we wanted to. There is too much to do and seemingly too little time to do it.

I believe the simplicity we hunger for is that of a life free from the multiplicity of possessions, activities and distractions (also known as the internet) that we burden ourselves with.

When asked for my occupation I respond with "stay-at-home" mom, homemaker. At times, though, I wish I could be more like Caroline Ingalls, the Ma of the Little House books. She was a true stay at home mom, she rarely ever left her home, even to shop for groceries and fabric. And I envy the Amish for the tight-knit community and frequent personal visits.

I don't know the full answer to the problem of claiming, making, and finding more simplicity in our lives. I do know that concentrating on things of eternal importance feels more satisfying than anything else.

As we enter the Christmas season may you have peace in the simplicity of the eternal message "A Savior is Born".

The Prince of Peace

Have you felt the healing power of the Savior?

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

When JET was a baby I sat nursing him in the glow of the Christmas tree lights at midnight on Christmas Eve. I loved having a baby and felt close to Mary and her baby. As I looked at the tree with its lights and baubles I wondered "What does a green tree and lights and shiny baubles have to do with the birth of the Savior?" I couldn't answer except to say "nothing." I pondered for months on what would be a better symbol of the birth of Jesus Christ. Finally the light came on in my brain and out popped the answer: A manger and a baby doll. While visiting my parents that summer (1994) I was able to leave the children with someone responsible and make a trip to the toy store alone where I found the perfect little newborn baby doll. In the fall we moved from Washington state to Virginia and just before Christmas I had my husband build a manger for me. I couldn't draw what I wanted so he put together what he thought I wanted and when I saw it I said "It's just fine, dear." (He built another, much nicer one in Utah.) Our children were five, three and sixteen months that Christmas and the older two enacted and re-enacted the Christmas story all through December and into January. We didn't have a Christmas tree that year as I wanted to keep the focus on Christ and not telling the toddler NO NO NO.

The peace I felt that Christmas convinced me that I was onto something great. For a while we alternated not having a tree and having one according to whether we had a toddler or not. I noticed during the years we had a tree that the manger with Jesus in it was pushed to the back and the children were much more me-centered and contentious. During the years we had only the manger the children were sweeter and more service minded. Finally one year we had a tree and the fighting during just the decorating of it was more than I could tolerate so I decided to forego trees in the future.

Now don't get me wrong, I love Christmas trees, but in our home it caused contention and I realized that after I had spent so much time pondering and then getting my answer that I should follow what was personal revelation for our family. As much as I love Christmas trees I can do without them; I can't do without my manger and baby Jesus.

I truly love my Savior and am so grateful for his condescension in coming to earth. Seeing the sweet baby in the manger reminds me of several truths:

1. I must humble myself as a little child to enter the kingdom of heaven.
2. When I give a gift it is as if I'm giving to Jesus
3. He sees me at all times
4. He lived a mortal life and knows my pains and sorrows, along with my joys and triumphs

Last year Noble begged for a tree, saying it didn't feel like Christmas without one. I consented and found that now the children are older they can handle it. I believe all the training has paid off. We bought a little tree that allows room for the manger to be central to our decorations.

So, however it is that you celebrate, I hope you'll keep Jesus at the center of your heart if not your room too.

Our sweet baby Jesus

Nativity Tree Skirt 

Some of our homemade, handmade ornaments

The whole picture

We love giving gifts to each other and remind our children that "Inasmuch as ye have done unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Wait, I'm not finished yet

Day Twenty-seven of Count Your Blessings

Today I'm grateful for the patience, mercy and longsuffering of God. I mean he doesn't zap me immediately when I've done wrong (which somedays is just about every minute) but let's me figure out that  I've sinned and allows me time to repent. Do you know what a blessing that is?

Interestingly enough, today two other bloggers on my list talked about repentance. A SIGN! I need to repent of my stupidity, my rebelliousness, my weaknesses, my imperfections and so on. Maybe that's why Enos prayed all night, he was talking specifics, not generalities.

Today I'm grateful for repentance and forgiveness, for mercy and the Atonement. I feel like Nephi,
"Oh wretched [woman] that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh [there's just too much of it]; and my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations that do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted." (2 Nephi 4:17-18)

I am a work in progress and I'm so thankful for the patience of God while I stumble about here on earth. I am eternally indebted to my Savior, Jesus Christ, for paying the price for my sins so I can repent and be reconciled to God, the Eternal Father and return at last to his presence.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some repenting to do!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Day Twenty-four of Count Your Blessings

Today I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ; and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am so thankful for the scriptures and the many people through the ages who sacrificed their time, talents and even their lives to prepare, preserve and translate the scriptures so that I can read God's word today in my native language. I am eternally grateful for a living prophet to lead and guide us.

I'm truly grateful for my family, past, present and future.

I'm grateful for Patriots, past, present and future.

I'm grateful for the wonderful abundance I enjoy in this land of liberty. I'm grateful for those who daily work to preserve the liberty of this great nation.

May your day be full of blessings.

Boarding School Graduation

Mother called yesterday morning to tell me that my younger sister had passed away at age 42.  To me it was joyous news.  Emily was born with Spina Bifada and had suffered health problems her whole life. My parents formally adopted her when she was three after having her as a foster child since she was two months old.

I don't remember who said it at General Conference, and I won't take time now to look it up, but someone called this life a boarding school, and that image has stayed with ever since.  We are sent here by loving Heavenly Parents to boarding school for the second phase of our education.  We have classes, tests, reports, and experiences that we couldn't have in any other way.  We are a long way from home and we get homesick and lonely, but we can call home as often as we want (prayer) and we can read letters of counsel at anytime (scriptures).  Twice a year we have assemblies to hear the latest information and encouragement from our Parents (General Conference) and several more times each year we meet with local counselors for instructions and encouragement (ward and stake conferences).

Each student has both similar and different courses of study.  We learn and develop skills and talents that are uniquely our own.  The length of our schooling is uncertain at this end, but is known by the Lord (D&C 61:6 ". . .all flesh is in mine hand,").  So when my mother told me that Em had died, I was momentarily envious; she graduated from boarding school and was called HOME.  She is with Nana Hansen, and her beloved Uncle Connie, and Grandma Fern and Grandpa Joe.  She was faithful to the end and is now with her Savior!  How can we be sad?  She is free from pain and suffering; she can walk and run and dance on legs that work!

I know my parents will miss her terribly; she lived with them and they cared for her every need.  But, knowing what we know of the Plan of Happiness and the Atonement of our Savior, how can we be sad that she graduated, probably with honors, from this school we call mortality.

I know that my Redeemer lives, what comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, he lives who once was dead; He lives my everliving Head.
He lives to bless me with his love. He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed. He lives to bless in time of need.

He lives to grand me rich supply. He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint. He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart. He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives my kind, wise heav'nly friend. He lives and loves me to the end.
He lives, and while he lives, I'll sing. He lives my Prophet, Priest and King.
He lives and grants me daily breath. He lives, and I shall conquer death.
He lives my mansion to prepare. He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives! All glory to his name! He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives: "I know that my Redeemer lives!"
He lives! All glory to his name! He lives, my Savior, still the same.
Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives: "I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Samuel Medley, 1738-1799

Congratulations, Emily, on your successful completion of a difficult course.  May you have peace now and happiness with our loved ones who have gone before.